I'm at a loss for words right now. Almost...
As most of you are aware, I've started dating again. It's been a confounding and unsettling experience, to say the least, because of the fact that I've been out of circulation for so very long. My social skills are somewhat lacking because I haven't had to use them for nearly two decades. I find myself second guessing some of my behaviors lately. And all of this is merely compounded by other factors about myself that I struggle with.
It's been difficult for me to start over because I've never really seen myself as being attractive. Plain, at best, is the way I've always described myself, but I get better looking as you get to know me. So I've been somewhat uncertain of my chances at finding someone special since my original someone special decided two years ago that I am not her someone special anymore. While I don't discount my personality, I also realize that there has to be something of a "spark" in the matter of physical attraction before anyone is going to see me at my best under the surface. And it has been my fear that few women would be willing to see past my surface.
It has also been my fear that those women which I find to be attractive would not find me attractive. I know what physical attributes I'm looking for in a woman. I know what kind of personality would work well with me. And I've held some reservations about finding someone who possesses enough qualities from both categories to be worth my efforts.
And then I went out on a date last night...
It began simple enough with a one-line message to my online profile from someone who was interested in me on Friday night. I sent a reply with my e-mail address and IM and soon we were chatting for awhile. She sent a photo of herself in an e-mail and I thought she was beautiful. Saturday morning we pretty much picked up our conversation where it had left off and soon realized that neither of us had any plans for the evening. With no kids to keep us from getting away from our respective responsibilities we arranged a meeting.
We met at a newly opened mexican restuarant nearby. She was even more attractive than her photo led me to believe. We were seated on the outdoor patio, since it was such a pleasant evening, where we talked, and laughed and spent plenty of time getting to know one another. Time passed too quickly. And with the coming of night, the crowd began to morph into a younger, noisier group of individuals which we really felt some need to escape from.
We opted for another nearby eatery, one which is open 24 hours, and is more family oriented, and thus a bit more subdued than our previous place of meeting. And again, we talked, and laughed and spent time getting to know one another. And our time passed too quickly there as well. Until the topic of conversation touched on our homes and how so much of our lives are in disarray still. I mentioned what a terrible mess my home is because I'm just no good at keeping up with it, and stated in a mild jest that I would invite her back if I didn't feel so uncomfortable bringing someone into my messy home. Somehow, she didn't seem to mind the idea, and promised me that since she had already spent several hours with me, my messy house wasn't going to be the deal-breaker for us. So we went to my house.
She received the Grand "don't pay any attention to the mess" Tour before we finally settled into my gameroom on the couch. Again, we talked and laughed and spent time getting to know one another, until this time she felt that she really must be going.
Up to this point we had been doing all of our running in her car, while mine sat in the parking lot of the mexican retsuarant. So we had to leave together to get my car, and she needed help to find her way out from my neighborhood.
When we got to my car I asked her if I could have a kiss. She agreed and we did. And we did. And we did. And then she told me, "You know, all that time we sat on your couch we could've been doing this.". So I replied with the most appropriate response I could think of, "We could always go back." So we did.
We both felt like we were in high school again, sneaking into my gameroom to suck face with each other. And it was absolutely incredible. It had been so long since I've kissed a woman as passionately as we kissed. It had been so long since I felt as comfortable with someone as I do with her...
She made me feel better about myself than I have in years. She really brought out the best in me. And we have agreed to be exclusive with each other. So, technically, I'm no longer dating, only her - this one who has brought joy back to my wounded heart.
Labels: My life, Relationships