I've had a few days to digest all of the information that I mentioned discussing
with Jo last week.
First off, I have to say that the news of her condition didn't really take me by surprise, but it did leave me with a certain sense of "huh?". Even though I knew that she must've been having sex with "cowboy" all this time, I never really gave it too much thought until now. In any event I thought for sure that they must be taking some sort of precautions. And the reason why I thought this was because my insurance had been paying for her birth-control pills for a few months. I just assumed that she was still on them.
Now we know why one must never assume...
("ass/u/me" - Benny Hill. it looks better on the chalkboard)
Of course, something else that ran through my mind was "Isn't this the same guy that gave my son a condom
? Doesn't he think to use them himself, the moron?". So needless to say, neither of them must've been thinking about the consequences of their actions.
Then came the re-opening of the old wound; that sense of betrayal that I had felt when Jo told me that she wanted a divorce. It didn't last very long, maybe a day or two, because I also remembered that the last time I had gotten Jo pregnant was after we had both had a bit too much to drink. Neither of us had been thinking very clearly that night and birth-control was the furthest thing from our minds then. So I suspect this was the result of some celebration last month. The 10th was Jo's birthday, after all. What a strange gift to give a woman on her 41st birthday...
Anyways, there was more to our conversation than just her telling me that she's pregnant. I had been wanting to talk to her for my own reasons as well. And now I had the opportunity.
I started by asking her about the progress of our pending divorce. I knew that there hasn't been any progress because she still hasn't filed the papers yet. Mostly because she hasn't worked since December of last year. So she hasn't had the money to pay for the filing costs. And I still refuse to pay for something that I didn't want - even though I'm all for it now!
Then I had to inform her of some bad news. As a matter of policy I have to drop her from my medical insurance. To be completely honest, I should've dropped her from my insurance 6 months after she left me. But I was under the impression that I should keep her on until the divorce was finalized, just in case a court order forced me to keep her on it - since she didn't have any of her own. I never suspected that the whole proceeding would drag out this long. But now that it has, I have no choice. Especially since Aliesha turned 18 and is not a full-time student, I have to drop her, too. And there's nothing I can do about it.
And this is what is making things even more complicated; Jo can't get a job because she has no car. She can't get a car because she has no money. Also, she can't get insurance because she has a suspended license (long story, don't ask!). So even if she could get a car, she can't get insurance. No car, no job, no money - no divorce.
That's where I am.
If ever I had a reason to pay for the divorce this should be it. But I still refuse. It's not just a matter of principle either. I truly look at this and say "Why should I bail her out of this situation?", and make no mistake, if I pay now I will be bailing her out of this predicament. And she needs to face the consequences of her own actions.
I'm not doing this to be vindictive. I'm not trying to screw her over. But she needs to realize just how much she has messed up her own life, and she needs to figure out how to fix it on her own. I have my own life, and my kid's, to figure out. It hasn't been easy for me to hold things together over the last year or so. There have been challenges of all sorts, from financial to emotional to spiritual, and I've had to deal with them all without any help from her. I no longer have the strength to lend to her.
I hate that it has to be this way. I don't wish her any ill-will. I do hope for the best for her and "cowboy" and for their baby. But I just can't give anything more than hopes and prayers. I just don't have it in me anymore.
Is this what it means to be truly "over" someone?
Labels: Divorce Sucks, Inside my gray matter, Relationships